theonion:

BILLINGS, MO—Finding himself increasingly uncertain as to the purpose of his substantial cache of military-grade firearms, Billings resident Greg Carnes admitted Tuesday that he was unable to remember whether the 20 rifles he’d stockpiled were meant to aid in armed rebellion against the government or prevent the same. “I’m certain I got these guns for a patriotic purpose, and I know that I held strong feelings about that purpose at the time. I just wish I could remember exactly what it was,” said Carnes, opening his gun safe to inspect enough assault rifles to either outfit or destroy a small platoon in the hopes that doing so might jog his memory as to exactly why he was willing to go out in a blaze of gunfire and glory. “I mean, when Obama was president, they were for sure so I could overthrow the government. But now, I feel like it might be to defend it? Man, I sure don’t know. I got that ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag on my truck and all, but I can’t remember who that’s talking about either.” Carnes added that he was tentatively optimistic he could deduce the reason for his arms stockpile by flipping through his 6,000-page manifesto.