“So you see,” said the Royal Advisor, wringing his hands, “the curse states the princess will die on the night before her twenty-fifth birthday–”
“Hang on,” said the princess, “‘ON the night before’–”
The Advisor nodded grimly.
“So what you’re saying is that, until that one specific date, I am effectively immortal?”
“Technically yes, but then–” the King stammered.
“Wow,” said the princess, who was sixteen and did not possess amazing impulse control. “I’m gonna go teach myself how to juggle chainsaws while hang gliding over shark-infested waters, catch you chuckleheads later.”
Here’s the thing about curses that most people don’t realize: curses are selfish.
Not the motives behind them—not necessarily, at any rate—but the curses themselves, the nuts and bolts of the magic, so to speak. If someone wraps an enchantment around you, and that enchantment’s sole purpose is to doom you on a particular day and time—the stroke of midnight is pretty popular, for whatever reason—well.
Something that complex and powerful operates according to its own rules. It wants vengeance, and that means doing whatever must be done to ensure that no rival foe shows up at the eleventh hour to steal its thunder. Princess Hammerhands the Sharkpuncher, as she would later come to be known, was an extremely rash and somewhat foolish person, but the “immortality until you die” loophole is real.
Knowing your body will defy death takes some of the thrill out of death-defying stunts, as it turns out. Some, not all. Princess Hammerhands the Sharkpuncher had some good years on the daredevil circuit. She picked up several neat tricks—a good performance wasn’t just about survival, but artistry, she figured. She befriended sword swallowers and fire breathers and professional dragon ticklers. But after three years, she was feeling antsy again.
#and then they broke each other’s curses but they waited until like the day before hammerhands’ 25th birthday #for maximum immortality years and also to piss off the curse the most
it’s 2016 why does juicy fruit gum still only last 30 seconds
imagine what its like to work at buzzfeed
your boss asks you to grow out your pubes for a month. you ask dave from accounting if he wants to go out for a drink but hes on a ketchup cleanse this week. you need to find sheila to get her figures for this quarter but shes away Trying Transcendental Puppy Kale Yoga For The First Time. you get roped in to do a taste test for slow cooked yoghurt and now you’re stressed because you can’t find the perfect gif for your ‘What Does Your Favourite Game of Thrones Buttplug Say About You?’ listicle
why are dog lovers so hateful??? like you meet a cat lover and they’re like “oh i love dogs a lot too! i just prefer cats!” but dog lovers are always like “my ENTIRE FAMILY was MURDERED by a CAT, a cat STOLE MY GIRLFRIEND, BURNED MY HOUSE DOWN, TOOK MY JOB AND KEYED UP MY CAR
Someone: it’s Father’s Day 😉🚶🏾👮🏾👴🏾👨🏾👳🏾❤️💜
Me: I..love….breadt. I love bread. I could have bread everyday.
2016 is cancelled, blocked, unfollowed, redacted, and reported
Me 10 years ago: I never use online abbreviations! standard english all the time!
Me a couple of years ago: u kno wat fuck it
Me now: it is impossible to communicate effectively online without using internet slang due to the mixed mode format and lack of paralinguistic features. Things like lack of punctuation, abbreviations, acronyms and such all have their own connotations and communicate far more than their commonly accepted meaning. Linguistics has evolved. n u kno what i love it
ok so the other day i was at sears. I was in the baby section. Im standing there looking at clothes and a lady who works there comes up and is like “oh are you expecting?” And i was like “uhhhh” and because im a dumbass i was like “no i already delivered.” And she was like “How long ago?” And i was just like “two weeks.” And she said “wow! You look great! When i had my first son, i looked like a mess for six months. Is it a boy or a girl?” And i was just awkwardly like “a girl….” And she asked her name and i said Chernobyl and she was like “oh what a cute name! It sounds really familiar.” And i honestly just stood there going through all that and pretending i had a human baby two weeks ago named Chernobyl because i didnt wanna tell this poor lady i was buying baby clothes for my fucking baby opossum
I’d like to replace the sun with a Permanent Moon
ok but did every kid have a certain historical time period that they were REALLY into?? like I was super into the california gold rush when I was 9 for no reason
you can tell who is boring by looking through the reblogs on this and seeing who says WWII
