Why do you like alexander?

ilvalentinos:

okay so in 332 b.c. alexander was two years into his pissing contest with his dead dad when he realized that he had Seriously Miscalculated the situation and that oh surprise, the persians had ships and he had disbanded the athenian fleet bc he thought the athenians were untrustworthy pussies, and the athenians thought he was a short sunburnt virgin and also because he murdered a fucktonne of people and sold a lot more into slavery

and he realized, oh no! the persians are half way to macedonia and could possibly cut me off from the chersoneses and starve me out in persia! and if you’ve seen the princess bride you’d know: never get involved in a land war in asia. but not this kid! instead of DOING THE RESPONSIBLE THING AND TURNING BACK TO MAKE SURE THAT THE PERSIAN FLEET DOESN’T MAKE IT TO HIS HOME KINGDOM AND THEN SUBSEQUENTLY MURDER HIS OWN PEOPLE INCLUDING HIS ENTIRE FAMILY AND THE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO HAD PLEDGED HIM LOYALTY

HE DECIDES TO STAY IN PERSIA. WHY? because fuck greece, that’s why, he already did greece two years ago and if those motherfuckers have the bad sense to die when faced with a superior force when all their available men had been taken away on an idiot war to persia, that’s their problem and he really couldn’t give two fucks, kiss u miss u xoxo gossip girl

so he comes up with this DUMBASS SCHEME that wouldn’t have worked for ANYONE ELSE and decides to conquer sea by land; aka, take every major port on the eastern mediterranean seaboard so’s to cut it off from the persian fleet and starve THEM out

and one of these cities was a place called tyre; you might know it from the phrase ‘tyrian purple’ bc they manufactured the most expensive dyes in the ancient world

so when alexander showed up and was like, let me make a sacrifice in ur temple, also surrender? also maybe let me loot ur town bc im short on funds, ja feel?

the governor was like, um no, please, fuck off

and alexander got SUPER PISSED. like HOW DARE YOU NOT LET ME INTO YOUR CITY? WHEN I’VE RAZED THEBES TO THE GROUND AND SALTED IT AND KILLED 6000 SOLDIERS IN A DAY AND SOLD 30000 MORE WOMEN AND CHILDREN INTO SLAVERY? YOU DON’T TRUST ME??? THE OUTRAGE

everyone was like, bro

and alexander was like THAT’S IT THEY’RE GONNA DIE THEY’RE GONNA FUCKING DIE KILL EVERYONE LET’S GO LET’S FUCKING GO

and everyone was like, maybe chill first yeah? then we’ll think of something because a lot of people are gonna die and – 

YEAH, AND? said alexander

so in his infinite wisdom, this kid, this short sunburnt virgin decides to build a LAND BRIDGE ACROSS THE SEA TO REACH THE ISLAND OF TYRE

this is what tyre looks like now

keep in mind that tyre used to be an island

so then

it takes seven months and thooouuuuuusands of people die bc alexander was SO PISSED! ABOUT NOT BEING LET IN! and when he finally takes the city, he crucifies two thousand people up the beach kills seven thousand more sells 30000 people into slavery and then razes the city

but he spared the descendents of the poet pindar, bc he might be an asshole but he’s not a barbarian he cares about literature you guys

and then when all this is over

he heads up to the temple of melqart in the razed city

and, possibly while wearing raybans with both middle fingers up – the historical sources differ on whether he was wearing a ray gun shirt or a snapback –

makes his sacrifice. 

so how could you not like him