i saw a can of pumpkin spice cinnamon rolls at the store and it had a thing on the side like “make monkey bread” and i was like FUCK YEAH imma get this and throw it in a bundt pan and have easy as hell monkey bread BUT THEN i looked up the fucking instructions on the website and it’s like “3 cans of cinnamon rolls and a bag of caramels and some walnuts and butter and etc etc” and i am like BITCH i did not buy a can of fucking cinnamon rolls because i wanted to cook. this is some sandra lee levels of overcomplicating shit. i don’t need this. you think i’m going out and buying two more cans of actually-just-biscuits-with-delusions-of-grandeur for this? because i am. i bought a fucking bundt pan, i’ve committed. i don’t give a fuck about the sunk cost fallacy. i don’t care if there’s nothing stopping me from just making some fucking limited edition fall cinnamon rolls. this absurd monkey bread train has left the station. this is happening goddammit.
THIS IS NOW A FOOD BLOG, I HOPE YOU LIKE RAMBLING ANECDOTES ABOUT MY DAY INTERSPERSED WITH PICTURES CAREFULLY STAGED TO HIDE MY LACK OF COUNTER SPACE OR REAL CURTAINS
anyway this is the recipe i used, which they do not put on the can, they just put HEY LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF MONKEY BREAD with no indication that it will take three fucking cans of this shit which should be illegal somehow. these are like $4 each that makes this $12 before you even consider the cost of a bundt pan and butter and what was left of my dignity
FOOD BLOG INGREDIENT PHOTO
i put all this shit on my dining room table because i decided that would be easier than trying to clean my counters or otherwise make them not look like shit. i will not be using the spooky sprinkles they are just there because i love them and i want you to know that i have spooky sprinkles. I FORGOT TO INCLUDE MY FANCY BAKING SUPPLIES LIKE METAL MIXING BOWLS AND STAND MIXER but that is because i don’t have any of that EXCEPT THESE LITTLE MEASURING CUPS which deserve their own picture because i love them
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT THOSE TINY SPOONS
A TAD. A DASH. A PINCH. A SMIDGEN. I CAN ADD EXACTLY A SMIDGEN OF SPICES. sorry i am just really excited about these because for years now all i have had are the measuring pigs and
okay look i’ll just throw in another picture because we are DOING THIS and also it’s easier than trying to explain the measuring pigs
each half of a matryoshka pig is a measuring cup and sure they seem cute and all but they don’t have handles so if you want a half cup of flour you’d better be ready to get flour all over your fucking hands and good luck cleaning it all out of the snoot. so you can see why i am so in love with those fancy metal ones. aside from SMIDGEN.
those little caramel bits look like chickpeas and it’s really unsettling. this is the part where i got sick and fucking tired of moving ingredients over to the dining room table, plus, the next step was to put some sugar in a plastic bag. there’s no way to make that look aesthetically pleasing. like it didn’t matter if these cans of pillsbury whatever the fuck were sitting on a marble countertop, they’re still gonna look like cardboard tubes of regret. anyway i put a bokeh filter on this to ease the transition from a genuine attempt at making things look nice to me just giving up the way this recipe intended
it took me all of five fucking seconds to get sugar fucking everywhere jesus christ why does sugar always get everywhere.
I remember when I was 9 years old neopets taught me what cum meant. Not what an orgasm is, but what the word cum meant. I was postin on the neoboards, doing my 9 year old thing, and all of a sudden I was kicked off the forum and blocked????? I was like what the fuck I’m 9 I just want to talk about my jubjub?? (his name was JubInATub how clever is that I know). So I investigated and it said I had been soft banned for using inappropriate language, and it had the word like censored and I had to click on it to see what it said, so I do and I see the word CUM written in bold red letters, plain as the morning sun, strung up and exposed to the brisk wind like freshly laundered linens, and was understandably offended like??? Cum on guys this has to be a mistake I was just asking what was the best time to cum to the ice caves and try to sneak some free shit from that ice snake bitch, that thing was ALWAYS awake. So my bitty 9 y/o brain was like what the hell neopets, maybe they just don’t understand Internet Lingo like obviously I was using a Hip and Cool instant message shorthand to save my precious 9 y/o time (a girls got shit to do like damn). So I was like let’s lay this to rest, I’m gonna google search this shit, screen shot the definition and send it in an email to the CEO Mr. Neopet himself, lay down some knowledge on these fogies. So my sweet little innocent fingers pull up Google dot com and type in the letters C-U-M expecting validation and let me tell you friends, what I found shocked my innocent child psyche to the core. The root of who I was got ripped to shreds, obliterated by the wood chipper that is this cruel and disgusting world we live in. That day changed me, it was a crossroads of my life and I was thrust down a path that I have yet to return from.
“Cartoons? Isn’t that for kids?” I look up and smile “ Yes it is” Suddenly my appearance shifts and shrinks as I become a child. All my money turns to monopoly money and all my bills are gone. My adult responsibilities vanish, finally the spell is broken, and I am free.
the moon is beautiful 